The news of the divorce of NBA player Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian made me realize a few things. First, I know why Kim Kardashian is famous- junk in the trunk, dates professional athletes, R&B singer Ray J took his talents to her South Beach and they got it on tape- but what does she do exactly? Wikipedia dubs her a socialite, television personality, a model, and an actress. Her acting career includes the films "Disaster Movie"(an accurate title) and "Deep In The Valley," which is not actually a porno despite the title and porno-sounding plot-- Best friends, Carl and Lester, find themselves magically transported into an alternate universe straight out of a real-life adult movie. Hilarity ensues as they embark upon a journey of adult-themed mayhem while Carl ultimately finds true love in the most unlikely of places.
All of this made me realize that she is famous for the list of people she has slept with. She is like the sorority girl that has had sex with one guy in every fraternity on campus, but due to the bro word of mouth, every guy in every fraternity knows who she has done the no-pants-dance with.
The news of the divorce made me realize that even Beyonce was smarter than Kim. Beyonce dated, wed, and conceived a child. With Jay-Z. One of the greatest rappers of all time. Not Kris Humphries. Who is maybe, conceivably, possibly, the best #43 in the history of the New Jersey Nets. What a legacy he has. Years ago she was dating Reggie Bush, the former #2 overall pick who played just like a #2. And yes, I mean poop. He played like poop.
The news of the divorce made me realize that the most ogre-esque of the Kardashian sisters, Khloe, scored the more successful athlete than either of her sisters and their relationship is still intact after over two years. Lamar Odom and Khloe have been married over ten times as long as Kim and Kris were.
The news of the divorce made me realize that Kim Kardashian can be married for 72 days, earn a reported $18 million dollars from the marriage, then divorce, but gay people cannot get married because that would "ruin the sanctity of marriage." Let's not get into that though.
Most importantly, the news of the divorce made me realize that Kim Kardashian is now single and ready to mingle!! Who will be next? Here are the nominees:
How about Chicago Cubs shortstop Starlin Castro? He is a rising star in baseball, swings a big bat, and we know Kim won't be bored at three and a half hour long baseball games because she sat through New Jersey Nets games when she was dating Kris. The only things preventing this from happening are Starlin's lack of fluency in the English language and the chance that if they did get together they would be dubbed "Castrashian" which, if pronounced in a certain manner (think of what they do to a choirboy), is even dirtier sounding than "Humpdashian."
Olympic swimmer and gold medal winner Michael Phelps. We know that Phelps likes to party and he would easily be the most famous of all the athletes that Kim has been with. They have great couples nickname potential with "Splash and Dash." But what would happen when Kim sits poolside at one of his meets and he douses water on her, ruining the make up she spent fourteen hours applying?
You knew this was coming. Arman touched on Blake Griffin before. Not literally, but I bet he would, and I cannot blame him. He is head and shoulders above Reggie Bush, Miles Austin, and Kris Humphries combined. In the slam dunk contest he jumped over a car so he will have no problem hurdling Kim's mountainous rear end while getting out of bed. He looks pretty similar to Kris Humphries but with way more swag, as is evidenced in the above picture. And he plays in Los Angeles. Perfect.
I really like looking at that picture of Blake Griffin. But every other city I go, every other video, no matter where I go, I see the same ho... Kim, it is all about you.
No comments:
Post a Comment