Tuesday, November 15, 2011

DAY SEVENTEEN: If I was in a room with David Stern and had a gun with one bullet in it I would shoot the gun in the air and alternate between kicking him in the nuts and punching him in the face until he was unconscious, wait for him to wake up, then repeat

Aaron is changing subjects. Despite the title of this piece, I will not be talking about David Stern or the NBA. Actually, I will say that one good thing about the NBA's cancelled season is that whenever they do resume playing games I can use my fantasy football team name, "Lockout With My C*ck Out," for fantasy basketball, too. Oh and another good thing about the lockout is that I hopefully will not have to see or hear anything about Kobe Bryant. Unless he rapes or verbally harasses someone. Which he might do, because he has done those things before and is still an assh*le. But yeah, other than those two things, there is nothing good about the NBA lockout. Anyways....



Michael Vick is one of the best video game athletes of all time. He is also one of the most valuable fantasy football players ever. Unfortunately for Mike, his real-life self will never be as good as his virtual self. Check out a statistical comparison of Vick's last full season in real life and Vick's last full season that I played on Madden:

Vick in 2010: 12 games played, 3,018 yards passing, 21 passing touchdowns, 6 interceptions, 676 yards rushing, 9 rushing touchdowns, and an 8-4 record as starter.
Vick in Madden 2011: 16 games played, 5,912 yards passing, 53 touchdowns, 3 interceptions, 1,898 yards rushing, 23 rushing touchdowns, and a 16-0 record as starter.

So far this season, he has a 79.8 passer rating. He has thrown five touchdowns and eight interceptions in his last five games. And, he just got hurt again (broke a couple ribs). He is 3-8 in his last eleven games as a starting quarterback. His team, the Eagles, was hyped as a dream team after the trades and acquisitions they made last off-season. They are now 3-6. That is the same record as the Seahawks, and the Seahawks suck.

He has been a good, not great, fantasy player this year. He has had games of 22, 29, 21, and 24 fantasy points. Last year he earned 49 fantasy points in a Monday night game against the Redskins in which he threw four touchdowns and ran for two more. A few weeks later against the Giants Vick threw three touchdowns and rushed for 130 yards and one touchdown. They were the two most valuable fantasy performances of the entire 2010 season and they came from a guy that was in jail two years prior and was not even the starter at the beginning of the year.

In video games, he is unstoppable. He is so fast and had such a strong arm that every play had a chance to score. Call it cheating, a glitch, cheap, or a bitch move, but calling a Hail Mary with Vick is the most effective play in video game history. Second place is giving the ball to Shaq in the post and backing the defender down until he can either dunk, shoot a baby hook, or get fouled. Third is a tie between running Reggie Bush off tackle (only works in NCAA Football) and pitching with Randy Johnson in any video game in which he played for the Mariners.



Let me get my Ron Jaworski on real quick... Ok, calling a hail mary in Madden takes all the receivers and defensive backs about fifty yards down field, away from the line of scrimmage. If the linebackers do not drop into deep coverage, one of the five receivers will be open. If the linebackers do drop into deep coverage, Vick can roll out of the pocket, use his speed to get around the corner on any defensive end, and gain 15-25 yards before one of the defensive players in coverage can come up to stop him. It is nearly unstoppable.

A smart Madden player would spy Vick on every play, but in the words of every ESPN NFL analyst/insider/goober, you can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him.

Also, in video game football you never have to worry about getting Vick injured because you can A. turn injuries off or B. turn the game off and start again. You also don't have to worry about Vick going to jail in a video game because that would be totally f*cking stupid if video game players could get in legal trouble.

Michael Vick makes plays that nobody could ever make. He is one of the hardest players to gameplan for. He is still a good player in real life, but he will never be as good as his imaginary player:

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