DAY THIRTY-TWO: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Aaron is giddy.

The NBA is back like cooked crack. I am more excited than this kid but not quite as maniacal. The last time I was this excited was when LeBron, Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul, Carmelo, and a dinosaur that looked like Chris Bosh came to the USC-Oregon game and I was thirty feet away from them for about fifteen minutes. At one point, Wade and LeBron looked my way and my heart skipped a beat. Then I realized that the girl two seats away from me was puking on herself and the railing in front of her and was flicking the puke towards the field. I guess if I was a super-duper-star and people yelled my name everywhere I went I would be more interested in looking at the blacked-out college girl than the kid frantically yelling my name like he was drowning in the ocean.

I left that game (at the end of the first quarter) with three thoughts on my mind:
1. I miss the NBA like Aaliyah misses whoever this song  is about.
2. I wonder what LeBron thought of me. I hope my hair looked good.
3. I should have gotten that girls number.

Now there are other things on my mind. Like:

• Is Blake Griffin good enough to win rookie of the year again? 

• The NBA should play 66 games and start on Christmas every year. The NFL has Thanksgiving. MLB has the month of October. College basketball has the month of March. College football has the first week of the New Year. NHL has Canada and whatever weird, non-American calendar they use. Nobody cares about the MLS. And what does the NBA have? They have a season that begins in winter and ends in summer. That is stupid. Baseball has 162 games plus playoffs and even their season doesn't seem to drag on like the NBA's. Start it on Christmas, it would give Jewish people something to celebrate on December 25th-- "Hi, could I get two orders of the Kobe beef. One with his teammates and coaches and one with green peppers and orange peels."-- and it would give players and coaches more time to practice. Remember how the Heat started 8-7 last year and everyone said it was because they hadn't had enough time to practice together? Well that happens in sports all of the time. The NFL had a short time to practice and the effects are seen in games when quarterbacks and receivers miscommunicate. Just look at Tarvaris Jackson and the Seahawks. Wait, that is a bad example because T-Jax sucks, no matter how much he has practiced. But look at the quarterbacks that are familiar with their receivers and coaches like Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady. They have had the last few seasons to practice and gain familiarity with their teams. The best teams always play at their best towards the end of seasons. Why? Because they have been practicing and playing with each other and they get better with each game. The Heat looked timid with each other through those first fifteen games. Then they got to the playoffs and looked unstoppable. Turns out, they were stoppable. But if the schedule gets cut down to 66 games and teams have longer to practice, the entire league--coaches, players, fans--will benefit from a better brand of basketball. There would also be less injuries, less meaningless games, less traveling for the teams, and who would get upset if they could only watch their team 66 times instead of 82? Heck, if I was a Raptors fan, after the all-star break I would have said "Still got half a season left, huh? You know what, we're good. Yea, it's cool, play your games. We're just gonna go home, maybe watch some hockey or something."

• I think the NBA should change one-and-done to two-and-through. Make guys stay in college for two years. It sounds stupid to think that you would have to force players to stay in college an extra year because I am in college now and I am having the time of my life. Imagine if I was a star athlete (one worthy of jumping to the NBA after one season) and I could go to any college in the country, I was the most popular person on campus, I never had to go to class, and I would be a millionaire within two years. I would have to be an idiot to say no to that. I once poured a bowl of cereal back into the box after already putting milk in it, so I am somewhat of an idiot, but I would never say no to an extra year of college. Some people also said "What if a player gets injured in college and can never go the NBA and make millions of dollars?" Look at Kyrie Irving. He played, like, 1 3/4 college games and was the number one overall pick last year.

• How much will I hate myself this season? This question could also be worded as "How good will the OKC Zombie Sonics be this season?"

• Will the Lakers PA announcer say "Peace out!" when Ron Artest Metta World Peace is subbed out of the game?

• Will Home Depot have enough time to find a replacement for Delonte West before the holiday season really gets rolling?

• The Minnesota Timberwolves lost 65 games last season. This season, they will play 66. Will they have more or less losses than they did last year? This might be closer than you think.

• Who will Kim Kardashian go for next?

• Shaq on TV with Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Ernie Johnson. They were already the best basketball analyst crew on TV and they have now added one of the funniest people to every play professional sports. Forget the Miami Heat. Charles, Kenny, and Shaq are the new Big Three.

• If the Miami Heat do not win the championship, whose head gets cut off? I mean, who gets traded? Let me rephrase again-- if the Heat do not win the championship, who could they get in a trade for Chris Bosh? Or will they just kill him since most of his ancestors died roughly 65 million years ago?

• Celtics-Knicks, Heat-Mavs, Lakers-Bulls on Christmas Day... Merry Christmas:

DAY NINETEEN: Ghostface Killah has made three lists of the ten softest rappers. Drake has been #1 on all three, and has made six appearances total.

Rapper/singer Drake released his second official album, Take Care, a couple of days ago. Above is the cover of the album. I will write more about it later because he is an intriguing artist, unlike anyone maybe ever. He is like one part Lil' Wayne and one part T-Pain. He raps and sings about his relationships with women, often in a sorrowful manner. Girls like his music because it is catchy and he is a guy that can talk about his feelings. Guys like his music because he is a talented rapper. Guys also feel weird listening to his music because it is like listening to another guy talk about his emotions and feelings. Anyway, all you need to know is that Drake is soft, girly, and emotional. Oh, and his real name is Aubrey. That is why this picture is funny:

And I hope I don't have to explain why this picture is funny:

DAY SEVENTEEN: If I was in a room with David Stern and had a gun with one bullet in it I would shoot the gun in the air and alternate between kicking him in the nuts and punching him in the face until he was unconscious, wait for him to wake up, then repeat

Aaron is changing subjects. Despite the title of this piece, I will not be talking about David Stern or the NBA. Actually, I will say that one good thing about the NBA's cancelled season is that whenever they do resume playing games I can use my fantasy football team name, "Lockout With My C*ck Out," for fantasy basketball, too. Oh and another good thing about the lockout is that I hopefully will not have to see or hear anything about Kobe Bryant. Unless he rapes or verbally harasses someone. Which he might do, because he has done those things before and is still an assh*le. But yeah, other than those two things, there is nothing good about the NBA lockout. Anyways....

Michael Vick is one of the best video game athletes of all time. He is also one of the most valuable fantasy football players ever. Unfortunately for Mike, his real-life self will never be as good as his virtual self. Check out a statistical comparison of Vick's last full season in real life and Vick's last full season that I played on Madden:

Vick in 2010: 12 games played, 3,018 yards passing, 21 passing touchdowns, 6 interceptions, 676 yards rushing, 9 rushing touchdowns, and an 8-4 record as starter.
Vick in Madden 2011: 16 games played, 5,912 yards passing, 53 touchdowns, 3 interceptions, 1,898 yards rushing, 23 rushing touchdowns, and a 16-0 record as starter.

So far this season, he has a 79.8 passer rating. He has thrown five touchdowns and eight interceptions in his last five games. And, he just got hurt again (broke a couple ribs). He is 3-8 in his last eleven games as a starting quarterback. His team, the Eagles, was hyped as a dream team after the trades and acquisitions they made last off-season. They are now 3-6. That is the same record as the Seahawks, and the Seahawks suck.

He has been a good, not great, fantasy player this year. He has had games of 22, 29, 21, and 24 fantasy points. Last year he earned 49 fantasy points in a Monday night game against the Redskins in which he threw four touchdowns and ran for two more. A few weeks later against the Giants Vick threw three touchdowns and rushed for 130 yards and one touchdown. They were the two most valuable fantasy performances of the entire 2010 season and they came from a guy that was in jail two years prior and was not even the starter at the beginning of the year.

In video games, he is unstoppable. He is so fast and had such a strong arm that every play had a chance to score. Call it cheating, a glitch, cheap, or a bitch move, but calling a Hail Mary with Vick is the most effective play in video game history. Second place is giving the ball to Shaq in the post and backing the defender down until he can either dunk, shoot a baby hook, or get fouled. Third is a tie between running Reggie Bush off tackle (only works in NCAA Football) and pitching with Randy Johnson in any video game in which he played for the Mariners.

Let me get my Ron Jaworski on real quick... Ok, calling a hail mary in Madden takes all the receivers and defensive backs about fifty yards down field, away from the line of scrimmage. If the linebackers do not drop into deep coverage, one of the five receivers will be open. If the linebackers do drop into deep coverage, Vick can roll out of the pocket, use his speed to get around the corner on any defensive end, and gain 15-25 yards before one of the defensive players in coverage can come up to stop him. It is nearly unstoppable.

A smart Madden player would spy Vick on every play, but in the words of every ESPN NFL analyst/insider/goober, you can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him.

Also, in video game football you never have to worry about getting Vick injured because you can A. turn injuries off or B. turn the game off and start again. You also don't have to worry about Vick going to jail in a video game because that would be totally f*cking stupid if video game players could get in legal trouble.

Michael Vick makes plays that nobody could ever make. He is one of the hardest players to gameplan for. He is still a good player in real life, but he will never be as good as his imaginary player:

DAY SIXTEEN: “Yeah, that makes perfect sense, no surprise there.”

Arman is shockingly sad.

Because I always expected this to happen, and yet, maybe I didn’t.

No pictures, no songs. Just words. And tears. And pain.

The title of this blog is what I’m assuming someone like Dallas Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban, sports columnist Bill Simmons or any NBA fan has said at some point today.

The Players Union did it. They actually did it. They thought with their egos or their penises or something other than their brains and rejected probably the best deal they’re ever going to get. The Players Union will now disband, more than anything, to freak the NBA owners into giving them a better deal. That won’t work. Look back to the Michael Jordan piece to find out why, Jordan is an owner now, and even though he doesn’t have NEARLY enough clout as he did as a player, I would think Jordan embodies the owner position – “We’ll never give in.” Which is a much better position than the… former… Players Union decision of “We need to win this.” And now we are where we are. In a horrible place.

As NBA Commissioner David Stern said, “Nuclear winter is coming.” If I have a guess, there won’t be many more for the rest of the month of November. The NBA owners will take this seriously and, a little personally, as they should. They offered a straight 50-50 deal and got it slapped back in their face multiple times. The Players Union choosing to disband is even more of a personal attack. It’s clear that the players are announcing to the league that they’re everything and the owners are nothing. It’s way different than the NFL, it always was. Why do so many rookies make such a large impact in the NFL? Because of youth and energy, but also because football doesn’t change. From high school on, those plays are the same plays, they just get faster and players get better. Not to mention football players are chess pieces and drill masters. Basketball is improv. It’s all about the players playing and the bottom line is you can draw up the perfect play and it not mean anything. It’s an on the court sport. And the players want everyone in the league to know that, because their selfish.

Don’t kid yourself, the players really are the bad guys here. They don’t understand the changing market and growing risk of the owners – and the fans. What fan is going to pay $80 dollars,$100 dollars, $120 dollars for a mediocre seat at a game? No smart one. Because with inflation, the year-to-year loss in ticket sales and the fact that people are finding their own home entertainment system better for sports viewing than seeing it live, there needs to be some sort of a change.  And the players just won’t agree to that sentiment. Their view, as Blake Griffin said on the BS Report, goes something like (and I’m paraphrasing), “If you had a house and someone said you can’t use these two rooms anymore, wouldn’t you be mad?” Sure. I would be furious. But if I realized that I never really technically have any ownership over “the house”, maybe I would realize that they can do whatever they want. I can put up a fight, but I have no claim to “the house”.

I have to say, I’m really disappointed.

Shockingly said was how I put it earlier.

It looks like this blog is going to be running for a loooong time.

This is Day Seventeen. Welcome to nuclear winter.

DAY FIFTEEN: Coach Paterno, you are fired. Congratulations on a great 117 years at Penn State.

Aaron is in shock.

I am amazed at how many evil, immoral people are involved with college sports. I am talking about Jerry Sandusky. I do not like to wish bad things upon people, but in this case I will make an exception. I hope that Sandusky goes to jail and gets a taste of his own medicine from fellow inmates. He deserves it. Maybe he is a great coach. That does not matter.


Sandusky's charity (though I feel awkward calling it that) was intended to help disadvantaged children. The charity, called The Second Mile, has this on the "About Us" section of their website: Many children face adversity even before they understand how to dream. The Second Mile, founded in 1977 in State College, Pennsylvania, is a statewide non-profit organization for children who need additional support and who would benefit from positive human contact. 


Jerry Sandusky contradicted and violated everything stated in the proclaimed mission of this non-profit organization. He bullied innocent, defenseless children in a sickening fashion.


This is possibly the worst thing that has ever happened in the world of college sports. Nevin Shapiro's fishy business at the University of Miami was unethical, but falls into a different category than what Jerry Sandusky has done. 


College sports has seen scandals before (see: University of Southern California and practically every star athlete that attended the university) but this has to be the most appalling. 


Many argue that college athletes should be paid. After witnessing the dishonesty that we see in college sports from players, coaches, and athletic directors, you think we should start giving players a salary? What is that phrase? "Money is the root of all evil"? Yeah, let's pay these guys and girls. Great idea. Wouldn't you love to see your favorite college athlete holding out for more money because a salary, free tuition, and admiration of an entire college campus isn't enough for him/her to play a game they love?


Anyway, I do not feel bad for Joe Paterno or any of the other school officials and assistants that were fired because of this scandal. An eye witness account from Penn State assistant Mike McQueary was told to Joe Paterno who then kinda-sorta told higher ranking officials what he knew and then they kinda-sorta told higher ranking officials what they knew. McQueary's eye witness account was watered down at each stage of communication. This is what each person said to the next:


Now-fired assistant coach Mike McQueary: anal rape.
Now-fired head coach Joe Paterno: something of a sexual nature.
Now-resigned university vice president Gary Schultz: inappropriately grabbing of the young boy’s genitals.
Now-resigned athletic director Tim Curley: inappropriate conduct or horsing around.
Now-fired university president Graham Spanier: conduct that made someone uncomfortable.
The Second Mile president Jack Raykovitz: a ban on bringing kids to the locker room.


Look at that. That is unacceptable. The now-jobless people involved in this case deserve to have lost their job.

Allegedly, when McQueary was informing Joe Pa on what he had seen, Paterno stopped the conversation before it got too graphic. Was that his real reason for halting the conversation? Or was he hoping that ignorance would be bliss?

DAY FOURTEEN: Personal, not business

Arman is disgusted.

You would think, after seeing hours and hours of MTV Cribs, that these NBA athletes would actually watch the mafia movies that they always show off. But clearly, they do not.

If there is one recurring theme in EVERY SINGLE MAFIA MOVIE it’s this: Nothing is personal, everything is business. The Godfather in particular unabashedly says this multiple times and lets everyone know that this whole movie is about what’s personal and what’s business. Or rather, that everything is business until YOU make it personal.

Take Scarface for instance. Overrated movie, but an athlete/rapper/thug classic. When does Tony Montana start losing his mind? When he takes everything personal!

You can’t yell at the person paying your checks, you need to take that, internalize it, and snort it away. The moment Tony decided to freak the fuck out, so did everything around him crumble. All of a sudden everything was personal, even his incredibly cold, cocaine driven marriage to Michelle Pfeiffer. It all became personal, and it ended with him dying in his own indoor pool thing.

And now, we talk about the NBA. For the owners, nothing is personal. It’s all a numbers game. They don’t give a shit about feelings, nor should they ever. With the amount of money that they have tied into the league, if any of them were to take anything personally it would be a catastrophe. It’s like those of us that hate losing a bet, even though the bet is only for 20, 50, 100, 500 dollars, it hurts. So bad. Now imagine if we’re talking millions of dollars, imagine taking that as personally as some of us do 20. The owners have to treat their situation as a constant numbers game. The players on the other hand SHOULD treat their situation a numbers game, but CHOOSE not to. For the players, the NBA is more than a paycheck or even an art form – it is literally their life. It is what they are and will be defined by always. If Stacey Augmon went on to create the most awesome iPhone app of all time, 75% of male conversations would go as thus:

“Hey, have you seen this app? Stacey Augmon made it.”

“The guy who balled for UNLV?”

“Yeah, man.”

“That’s great!”

At this point, we have forgotten what made Kim Kardashian famous in the first place (IT WAS A SEX TAPE!!!!!!!). But (if you’re a sports fan, or aware of professional athletes) we always know why we give a shit about Randy Moss, Prince Fielder or even Eric Snow. Because they will always be professional athletes to us, and this has clearly gotten into the minds of everyone on the Players Union. It’s not about playing anymore – it’s about winning. To the Players Union, they are seeing this lockout the same way they see what defines the rest of their life – who is the winner, who is the loser? The owners on the other hand are seeing it solely as a numbers game, emotionless and (fairly) rational. The players aren’t bad guys, but they’re emotionally not sound people – to put it in the most blunt way. If you go into any negotiation expecting to win or expecting the other side to lose, it’s never going to well.

Welcome to the NBA Lockout.

At this point I only have one question:

When Keyon Dooling goes behind the Players Union’s back and tries to sign a deal, is it going to be Derek Fisher or Billy Hunter who plays Pacino:

I’m disgusted.

And playing Skyrim nonstop, it’s really awesome.

DAY TWELVE: Let's Talk

Arman is playing keys all day. That’s not an emotion or a thing, unless you know the reference.

One of the strangest things was getting a tour of an under remodel house and knowing for a fact that all of this was getting paid by drug money. I didn’t know either of the owners as drug lords nor did I ever hear that they drugs from anyone, but when one of them turns to you and says, “It was a really good year, (BLANK) sold all of his pills,” it really makes you think. Drug use is a terrible thing, especially when it’s not specifically sex on ex. If it’s sex on ex, then at least it’s understandable and desirable. Anything else is dumb. Heroin, is the dumbest because you have to physically puncture yourself. If I was dying from poison and the antidote was in a needle, I would have my reservations. Anyways, NBA Lockout. What am I trying to get at? Oh yeah, everyone participating in the NBA Lockout right now is fucked on something.

I might be going out on a limb, but I mean the Players Union and the Owners met for 12 hours yesterday and came up with absolutely no deal. And they’re meeting again today. Are you SERIOUSLY trying to tell me that there are a group of people in this world that potentially like being around another group of people for potentially 24 hours in 2 days? And if you are trying to tell me that, I’m telling you drugs are involved. David Stern came into that room with a 50/50 deal on Monday and left that room with a hankering for more time in that room. David Stern, the same guy who flipped out when Allen Iverson would wear clothes that would fit Shaq and implemented a dress code.

BALLAH!!!!

David Stern was straight told he was wrong by the Players Union and David Stern’s response is, “Let’s hang out more!” 

1) At this point it’s either drugs

2) A crush on Chris Paul

Don't look in the eyes. You'll fall in love.

 3) Or David Stern is trying to pull a Michael Corleone on everyone in the room.

It’s impossible to say.

On a brighter note, let’s talk about the good that these extremely long meetings are having on ending the NBA Lockout. Ah, right, THERE IS NO GOOD! You spend that much time with ANYONE you are going to hate their face after a while. Unless love is involved (and even then), no one wants to see another person for that much time. It’s a waste of a life. And if I’m a basketball player in the middle of an NBA Lockout there are only two things I want to do:

1) Play pickup basketball
2) Have a lot of sex with a lot of girls

Tell me how they can do either of these in a conference room full of old people, Mark Cuban and Michael Jordan.

Mark.

Michael.

That’s it.

I’m playing keys all day.

Skyrim comes out at midnight tonight by the way. I’ll see you guys in a month. Maybe. I’m Dragon Born.

DAY ELEVEN: "Ball so hard..."

Now if I told you that the greatest rapper of our generation teamed up with the greatest producer of our generation, is that something you might be interested in?

If so, you should listen to Watch The Throne, the latest project from Jay-Z and Kanye West. Throne debuted at #1 and has since been certified platinum. Is it worthy of all that hype? Maybe.

There are outstanding tracks like "No Church In The Wild" and "Made It In America" which both feature emerging R&B artist Frank Ocean. Imagine a Chris Brown that has way more swag and doesn't abuse women. That is Frank Ocean.

On the Nina Simone sampled "New Day" Jay and 'Ye eloquently rap about their unborn sons and the troubles they will face when they are born into a celebrity lifestyle. "Sorry junia', I already ruined ya'/'cause you ain't even alive, paparazzi pursuin' ya" says Jigga.

Jay-Z's wife, Beyonce, makes a cameo on the album (who did she have to sleep with to get that gig?) and steals the show on "Lift Off" which has a bizarre, uncredited appearance from Seal.

Throne does have its weak spots though. "Who Gon Stop Me" samples a dubstep song that should only be played around people with pupils the size of a nickel. In the first line of the song, Kanye raps "This is somethin' like the Holocaust, millions of our people lost/Bow our heads and pray to the lord, 'til I die I'mma f*cking ball." Hmm, I don't know how much 'ballin'' went on during the Holocaust.

There is one thing from Watch The Throne that has stuck with listeners more than anything else. On the song "N*ggas In Paris" both Jay and 'Ye utter the line "that sh*t cray." The phrase has become very popular among young people, but do we really know what we are saying? Is that sh*t cray? Or is that sh*t Kray?

"Cray" could easily be a shortened version of the word "crazy". It makes sense in the context of the song ("Ball so hard mothaf*ckas wanna fine me, first n*ggas gotta find me/That sh*t cray") because the rappers are mentioning their extravagant lifestyles. Jay-Z survived living and selling drugs in the Marcy Projects as a young child. And Kanye, who once dreamt of simply meeting his idol, Jay-Z, is now on tour with him. "Crazy/cray" is definitely an appropriate word.

But the other day I saw something saying that "cray" is actually "Kray" and is a reference to brothers Reggie and Ronnie Kray. The Kray twins gained celebrity status in the 1950's and 1960's for organized crime including arson, armed robbery, and murder. They were able to avoid arrest for years before finally being caught and sentenced to life in prison in 1968.

So does that give double meaning to the line "Ball so hard mothaf*ckas wanna fine me, first n*ggas gotta find me/that sh*t cray/Kray"?

First let me translate the line into something that most white people will understand. "Balling/Ballin'" entails anything absurd. Just bought four new Porsche convertibles? Ballin'. Had a threesome with two supermodels? Ballin'. Got an A+ on an economics midterm? Even that can be considered ballin'. It is a loose term.

When Jay-Z references someone fining him, he is referring to the instance in which he was fined $50,000 for visiting the locker room of the Kentucky Wildcats basketball team. Jay is part owner of the New Jersey Nets and interaction with college hoopers is forbidden. So that is that.

But what about the "finding"? Is Jay-Z hard to find? I doubt it, look up a Watch The Throne tour schedule and I bet you like ten, like fifteen dollars that he will be where he is scheduled to be. So are we supposed to search for Jay because "[his] sh*t Kray"? Maybe. The Kray twins were hard to find, so it would make sense that the difficulty one would have in finding someone else really is "Kray."

After hours of investigating, I could not find a definite answer. At concerts when the song plays and the obfuscating line is uttered, the word "CRAY" flashes behind the performers. Maybe spelling the word with a 'c' instead of a 'k' is the giveaway. But at the same time, Kanye West has proven to be an idiot. Spelling a word wrong wouldn't crack the top 100 list of "Stupid Things Kanye Has Done."

I do not know if it is "cray" or "Kray" but I do know that Jay and 'Ye can make some great music. Here is evidence:

DAY NINE: Football is weird

Aaron is flabbergasted.

There is a lot that I do not understand about football, apparently. I never thought Tim Tebow was a good player, he has led the Broncos to two wins in their last three games. I thought the 49ers would stink this year, they are 7-1and have the second best record in the NFL. I, along with everyone in the entire country, thought that LSU-Alabama would be a great game, it was not. Do not try to tell me it was a great defensive battle and that is what makes it great. That is just another way of saying "It was a really boring game, and it was a really close game." Just because a game is decided by three points in overtime does not mean it was entertaining.

While the game was close, it was also boring, and I do not understand why it had to be that way. Both coaching staffs knew the strength of the other team: defense. So how could the offensive coordinators be so lame? In basketball, when you are set to face a great defensive team, you spend more time on offense. The same goes for just about every sport. I have a hard time believing that the defenses in the LSU-Alabama game could put a stop to every type of play a coordinator could draw up.

Better question: How could Alabama's field goal kicking be so lame? I think all field goal kickers at all levels should be close to automatic.

When a quarterback is at practice he runs through passing drills, communicates with his receivers, running backs, and offensive line, and does conditioning. On the other side of the ball, a linebacker may go through tackling drills, pass coverage drills, communicate with his fellow linebackers, defensive linemen, and defensive backs.

 At practice, a kicker kicks, and that is it. He may practice extra points, 25-yard field goals, 40-yard field goals, whatever. Other than the length and lateral positioning of the practice field goals, the kicker does nothing else. He doesn't even have to condition. He can be a total fatass. Like Sebastian Janikowski. That lardass never leaves the kitchen!! He is 6'2" and 250 lbs. and has had a job as the Oakland Raiders kicker for years:

Look at that gut!!

I don't mean to offend the females of the world, but there is a reason that the position of kicker is the only one that has ever been played by a female. It proves that gender, age, ethnicity, and stature are all irrelevant for a kicker. One thing matters: Can you put this ball between those two posts?

Alabama's kickers were 2-6 on field goals in that game. 3-6 wins the game and possibly a national championship.

2-6 might be good enough to bat clean-up for the Mariners, but it is unacceptable for the kicker of the previously second-ranked college football team. Cade Foster (1-4) and Jeremy Shelley (1-2) are the collective goose.

Neither one of them performed on Saturday night, and Alabama lost without them. If Nick Saban could ever alter the pitch or volume of his voice, he would sing this to his kickers:

I do not understand football. I want my NBA back.

DAY EIGHT: "I ain't lyin' to nobody but me. And you. And me. But you especially..."

The above song is the first track on R&B singer The Weeknd's first official mixtape, House Of Balloons. The song is as aesthetically pleasing as it is lyrically genius. A good amount of music is based on the assumption that the listener will be stoned. With the words of this song, The Weeknd did not make an assumption, but rather a suggestion: You want to be high for this.

Nearly all nine tracks on the mixtape scream, or rather passionately lull, sex. On "What You Need" The Weeknd puts a sensual twist on the familiar you-should-be-with-me type of song as he sings: "I'm the drug in your veins, just fight through the pain/ He's what you want, I'm what you need."

His second mixtape, Thursday, is much more subdued than the first. It is highlighted by the only cameo on either mixtape- rapper/singer/actor Drake on the song "The Zone." I am not a huge fan of Drake. I am actually not a fan at all. But his flow on "The Zone" matches the mood perfectly. His monotone rapping impeccably complements the crooning of The Weeknd, who at times sounds like an over-sexed Michael Jackson.

The real man behind the microphone is Abel Tesfaye. Or so that is the rumor. Nobody knows much about this incredible singer. When House Of Balloons was made available for download on March 21st of this year, many questions ensued. Mainly "Who the hell is this guy?" The answer is still not completely known. Tesfaye (if that is even his real name) has attempted to keep his identity a secret and has gained popularity in a fashion similar to that of the mysterious boy in high school that attracts girls with a mystifying, intriguing aura. 

Drake has since stated that Tesfaye is not yet signed to a record label and still lives in Toronto. Drake claims that Tesfaye has never even left the city and has never been on a plane though Twitter reveals that he recently traveled to Costa Rica and was impressed by the Costa Rican McDonalds' serving fried chicken and offering free delivery.

The unknown nature of The Weeknd had originally led me to a hypothesis. Since all of his beats, vocals, lyrics, and command of mood are so perfect, I concluded that he was not a person but rather a computer program. Many of his instrumentals feature noises that sound so artificial and computer generated that I thought the vocals may be fake as well. "This is too flawless, there is no way an actual living being could be singing" is what was going through my head when I heard songs like "Coming Down" and "Lonely Star" (which is the opening track on Thursday).

Obviously, I was wrong. But at times I still wonder how The Weeknd can be so good at such a young age (he is twenty-one) with such a small library of finished projects (his two official mixtapes combine for eighteen brilliant songs). All of his music is available online only, likely because a hard copy of his product would be too drenched in sex.

I believe his Mona Lisa to be the song "Wicked Games." The song is exceptional in every aspect and validates The Weeknd as perhaps the most enthralling artist to watch from this point forward.