DAY TWO: Ten Reasons Why We Love Athletes

Aaron is still full from that pizza.

Before I get on with the list I want to give a thank you shout-out to my neighbors’ wireless Internet networks ‘Cum Dumpster’ and ‘Frat as Fuck.’ When my network, ‘Belkin.3746,’ goes down and stops working, I dive in to the ‘Cum Dumpster.’ Now, onto the list.

Everybody has favorite players. It is interesting to me how some people (myself included) adore some players so much without knowing them at all. So if we do not know them, why do we admire them so? It helps if they…

1.  Are the best player in their sport- When someone is so good at something they earn much respect. Larry David is well liked because he is simply the best at all things comedy. Same goes for Tom Hanks and acting, Aretha Franklin and singing, and Jenna Jameson and having sex. It is no coincidence that every young basketball player wears Air Jordans and wants jersey number 23; Michael Jordan is the GOAT (greatest of all time). LeBron James, Tom Brady, and Albert Pujols also fall into this category.

2.  Went to high school or college near you- Bonus points if they actually went to the same high school or college as you. It gives you common ground with the player. You can refer to them with “we.” And it is cool to know that they walked around the same hallways as you. I can tell you off the top of my head that Jimi Hendrix, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Hugh Millen, and Mike McCready of Pearl Jam are all Roosevelt Roughriders like me. Although Hendrix got kicked out after two years for having sex. In a school hallway. With a white girl. Epic.

3.    Make amazing plays all the time- Slam-dunks, juke-heavy kick returns, and fancy, bending goals are great ways to gain a fan base. It is exactly why Blake Griffin, DeSean Jackson, and Cristiano Ronaldo are loved by so many. They constantly make the highlights and the YouTube phenomenon makes it easier for people to see Calvin Johnson do stuff like this: 

  

4.   Are physically “unique”- That is my nice way of saying that people show love for athletes with un-athletic (fat) bodies. Prince Fielder, John Daly, and Donovan McNabb fall into this category. And yes I said Donovan McNabb. I think if you saw him shirtless at a beach you would say, “He is a professional athlete?! Looks a little pudgy, he must be retired… He is still playing!?” Now would be a good time to say “Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Minnesota Vikings!!!” This works for really short athletes too (horse jockeys and NFL kickers excluded). Like Muggsy Bogues:

5. Have a great back-story- In 1996 Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Doctors told him he had a 10% chance of survival. He would later win the Tour de France seven years in a row and made people actually take a second to think when asked, “Hey, wanna watch some people in France bike around all day?”

     

6.. Are hilarious- Shaq, Steve Nash, even Ron Artest is unintentionally funny so we can throw him in here too. And: 

7. Are so liked by everyone close to them that liking them is infectious- Case in point: Tim Tebow. Good player, not great. Not funny. Doesn’t have sex appeal. Doesn’t have sex, either. But everyone still loves this guy. He has the fifth highest selling NFL jersey and he was a third string quarterback earlier this year.

8. Beat your least favorite teams and players- I hate Kobe Bryant so when Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavericks swept them in the playoffs this season I was ecstatic and praised the seven-foot German. He then beat one of the most despised men in sports, LeBron, and people loved him and started calling him a true American hero. But… he is German…

9. Play for your favorite team- Of course every Seattlite adores Ken Griffey Jr., Gary Payton, and Shaun Alexander- OK, maybe not everyone loves Shaun- but it goes deeper than that. Some of my favorite Seattle sports athletes are non-stars like Joey Cora, Mike Cameron, Brent Barry, Desmond Mason, and Seneca Wallace. I used to wear my hat like Mike (pulled down low, pointed slightly to the right), try to dunk like Desmond, and scramble like Seneca. I will never forget the image of little Joey Cora crying in the dugout after the playoff loss to Cleveland. And I will never forget the time that Seneca Wallace had a long reception and was a more valuable fantasy player without having thrown a pass than starting quarterback Matt Hasselbeck was for an entire half.

    

 10. Do things like this: