DAY THREE: Kris and Kim

Arman is geeking out.

The first of many casualties to come.

The NBA Lockout took its first major casualty today – Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ marriage. Now I know some of you out there are thinking that this marriage was doomed from the start. You’re right. Some of you are thinking that she married Kris solely for the size of his penis. Maybe. And some of you are thinking that this was a publicity stunt.  You are completely wrong. If Kim wanted to publicity stunt marry someone, she wouldn’t have picked Kris Humphries. That’s like if someone married Jim Breur as a publicity stunt. And in Jim Breur’s defense, he is probably more well known in his circuit than Kris Humphries is. Any sports fan can attest two, and only two things about Kris Humphries:

Kris Humphries was always known as kind of a dick.

1) Everyone always knew and thought of him as a selfish personality and selfish player.

2) He became a decent rebounder on the New Jersey Nets

And that’s it. Kim marrying Kris had nothing to do with publicity and everything to do with some sort of infatuation at the time. What could that be? I don’t know. He’s kind of the poor man’s Blake Griffin, maybe she has a thing for Blake.

I'm going to be bringing this picture back as much as possible. Look at the girls in the background. It's amazing.

But what is clear is that Kim Kardashian has a thing for athletes, and any woman who has dealt with athletes romantically will tell you (thanks Basketball Wives!) that the major thing in dealing with athletes is knowing that they’re not always there. They are busy people who constantly travel and get traded and are used as commodities. And this isn’t a bad thing – it’s part of the game, and part of the ridiculous salary they get for playing a sport – but it’s tough to raise a family or have an actual marriage within.

Billy Beane’s marriage ended as soon as his playing career ended. Was that because he was a bad partner? Or because his now ex-wife was a gold digger or only attracted to those who are actually playing? No. It’s because a sports marriage isn’t a real marriage. Because in a real marriage, you spend more than 5-7 months of the year together.

Brad Pitt, Billy Beane. Billy Beane, Brad Pitt. Overrated movie.

And that’s what Kim Kardashian is comfortable with, the idea of a sports marriage, where she can do her thing, he can do his and every time they see each other its romantic and an event. Real marriage doesn’t have events, it has days. Which turn to months, which turn to years, which turn to kids. Real marriage is a cooperative effort that influences and involves everyday life. There is absolutely nothing romantic to a real marriage 98% of the time. And the NBA Lockout forced Kim to come face to face with a real marriage for two days, and she flipped shit. If Kim Kardashian was keeping an Emotional NBA Lockout Diary it would read as such:

DAY ONE

Kris asked me if I knew where the remote was. How am I supposed to know?! And he’s not even supposed to be here! He’s supposed to be watching porn in an overpriced hotel in Milwaukee!

DAY TWO

I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO COOK?! WHO’S THE ONE WORKING HERE?! AHHHHH!!! STOP TOUCHING MY THROAT!!!!

KRIS! THE EMOTIONAL DIARY IS COMING FROM INSIDE YOUR OWN WEDDING! SIGN THE PRENUP NOW!

And that’s that.  Touching your lady’s throat is good 5-7 out of 12 months of the year, if she’s OK with it. But when that act becomes a day to day, month to month, year to year occurrence – it freaks people with commitment issues out. Kim Kardashian is freaked out.

And I’m geeking out. Sports and pop culture, come on.

This is Day Three, and the Lockout is already a homewrecker.

DAY TWO: Ruben Patterson

Arman is contemplative.

Halloween always reminds me of basketball, due solely to the fact that when I owned NBA Courtside 2002 for Gamecube, the NBA season would always start on Halloween. Before NBA Courtside I had NBA Live for Playstation – and I would play that a lot as a kid. I remember I would go out of my way to ensure Ruben Patterson, a player for the Sonics who I met in 5^th grade, would get a lot of points. Then he sexually assaulted his kids’ nanny and was traded away along with a part of my innocence. His career was never quite the same. As blog “Can Danny?” (a reference to Danny Ainge’s skill as a general manager) puts it, “Ruben Patterson is a registered sex offender, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t make a great 6^th man.” No one else in the world agreed with that statement and Ruben Patterson became the second most important Reuben in delis across America. And then, whether you were in a deli or not, no one gave a shit about Ruben Patterson.

I saw Ruben years later at a Sonics game, buried on the bench of the Denver Nuggets. A fan in front of me yelled, “Ruben, you suck.” I think the literal words were different, but it was the same intent. Ruben turns around, game still going on, and says, “That’s why we’re in the playoffs and you aren’t?”

Yeah Ruben, that’s why your one and done Denver Nuggets are in the playoffs, and the 5’6” unathletic white guy sitting in front of me isn’t. It’s because you suck. Like Ben Wallace. Get off his back, by the way.

I’m contemplative.

And starting to get angry.

This is only Day Two.

DAY TWO: Ten Reasons Why We Love Athletes

Aaron is still full from that pizza.

Before I get on with the list I want to give a thank you shout-out to my neighbors’ wireless Internet networks ‘Cum Dumpster’ and ‘Frat as Fuck.’ When my network, ‘Belkin.3746,’ goes down and stops working, I dive in to the ‘Cum Dumpster.’ Now, onto the list.

Everybody has favorite players. It is interesting to me how some people (myself included) adore some players so much without knowing them at all. So if we do not know them, why do we admire them so? It helps if they…

1.  Are the best player in their sport- When someone is so good at something they earn much respect. Larry David is well liked because he is simply the best at all things comedy. Same goes for Tom Hanks and acting, Aretha Franklin and singing, and Jenna Jameson and having sex. It is no coincidence that every young basketball player wears Air Jordans and wants jersey number 23; Michael Jordan is the GOAT (greatest of all time). LeBron James, Tom Brady, and Albert Pujols also fall into this category.

2.  Went to high school or college near you- Bonus points if they actually went to the same high school or college as you. It gives you common ground with the player. You can refer to them with “we.” And it is cool to know that they walked around the same hallways as you. I can tell you off the top of my head that Jimi Hendrix, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Hugh Millen, and Mike McCready of Pearl Jam are all Roosevelt Roughriders like me. Although Hendrix got kicked out after two years for having sex. In a school hallway. With a white girl. Epic.

3.    Make amazing plays all the time- Slam-dunks, juke-heavy kick returns, and fancy, bending goals are great ways to gain a fan base. It is exactly why Blake Griffin, DeSean Jackson, and Cristiano Ronaldo are loved by so many. They constantly make the highlights and the YouTube phenomenon makes it easier for people to see Calvin Johnson do stuff like this: 

  

4.   Are physically “unique”- That is my nice way of saying that people show love for athletes with un-athletic (fat) bodies. Prince Fielder, John Daly, and Donovan McNabb fall into this category. And yes I said Donovan McNabb. I think if you saw him shirtless at a beach you would say, “He is a professional athlete?! Looks a little pudgy, he must be retired… He is still playing!?” Now would be a good time to say “Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Minnesota Vikings!!!” This works for really short athletes too (horse jockeys and NFL kickers excluded). Like Muggsy Bogues:

5. Have a great back-story- In 1996 Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Doctors told him he had a 10% chance of survival. He would later win the Tour de France seven years in a row and made people actually take a second to think when asked, “Hey, wanna watch some people in France bike around all day?”

     

6.. Are hilarious- Shaq, Steve Nash, even Ron Artest is unintentionally funny so we can throw him in here too. And: 

7. Are so liked by everyone close to them that liking them is infectious- Case in point: Tim Tebow. Good player, not great. Not funny. Doesn’t have sex appeal. Doesn’t have sex, either. But everyone still loves this guy. He has the fifth highest selling NFL jersey and he was a third string quarterback earlier this year.

8. Beat your least favorite teams and players- I hate Kobe Bryant so when Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavericks swept them in the playoffs this season I was ecstatic and praised the seven-foot German. He then beat one of the most despised men in sports, LeBron, and people loved him and started calling him a true American hero. But… he is German…

9. Play for your favorite team- Of course every Seattlite adores Ken Griffey Jr., Gary Payton, and Shaun Alexander- OK, maybe not everyone loves Shaun- but it goes deeper than that. Some of my favorite Seattle sports athletes are non-stars like Joey Cora, Mike Cameron, Brent Barry, Desmond Mason, and Seneca Wallace. I used to wear my hat like Mike (pulled down low, pointed slightly to the right), try to dunk like Desmond, and scramble like Seneca. I will never forget the image of little Joey Cora crying in the dugout after the playoff loss to Cleveland. And I will never forget the time that Seneca Wallace had a long reception and was a more valuable fantasy player without having thrown a pass than starting quarterback Matt Hasselbeck was for an entire half.

    

 10. Do things like this: 

DAY ONE: Happy Halloween... "I'm not a cowgirl, I'm a slutty cowgirl!!"

Aaron is nauseous.

It is Halloween weekend but I did not have enough candy to make me sick, so I had four slices of Costco pizza instead. For breakfast. I have not moved since then. Not even to grab the remote. As a result, I am now stuck watching the Bengals-Seahawks game.

It is hard to watch Seahawks games this year because I want them to lose so they can get a higher draft pick. Friends of mine call it sacrilegious; I call it investing in the future. If the Hawks go 4-12 this year they would have a shot at Andrew Luck and a real good shot at Matt Barkley. Two of Seattle’s biggest football patriarchs, Petey Carroll and Stevie Sarkisian, are USC guys so it makes sense that they would draft the Trojan quarterback. Here is a picture of him and his girlfriend in Nigeria:

She is a soccer player at Seattle Pacific University. I think he is meant to be a Seahawk. Couldn't you see him throwing out the first pitch at a Mariners game while grinning like a little kid who just ate four bags of Skittles? 

Seattle has got to be the most offensively challenged city in America. The Mariners scored less runs than every MLB team, including those in the National League that have a pitcher bat three times per game. That is pathetic. The Seahawks just put up another stinker too. Their 6-3 loss to Cleveland had more punts (12) than points (9). The Sounders have the best offense in the city and they score like, two goals in a game. Riveting.

I miss the NBA. LeBron, Kobe, CP3, D-Rose, I am thinking about you.

What Is This? What's Going On? Where Am I? Is This Laced?

First, this is a blog about the NBA Lockout.

Second, this is a blog about feelings.

Third, in order for Aaron and Arman to repair their broken relationship, their couples therapist told them to do this.

Our mission statement is simple: Until the general public is able to see a live National Basketball Association game on television, this blog will be alive and well. And it will detail our everyday life without basketball.

And by alive and well, we mean emotionally insecure and obsessive.

So enjoy the ride, and share our sadness. And look at this photo of Blake Griffin. He's the better in every way version of Kris Humphries.
Side note: it's a little weird that Kim Kardashian's husband and mom have the same name. It's also weird that there are two families in the world who have no idea how to spell Chris. Just throwing that out there.

DAY ONE

Arman is happy.

Everyone who enjoys basketball can now realize how it felt to be an NBA fan in Seattle last year. It’s terrible. Watching the Sonics go to Oklahoma City was like watching your ex-girlfriend who you still love get amazingly successful as soon as she leaves you. And the rest of the nation may not feel exactly that, but they will feel an emotional void in their hearts and that’s all I have to ask for. That and that NBA Commissioner David Stern feels emotionally damaged for bringing about the end to the NBA. It’s what he gets for helping the Sonics leave me. After everything we went through - I mean sure the Sonics and I had our up and downs, sure I said some mean things a couple of times, and sure, they greatly disappointed me in the past, but we loved each other and we working it out. WE WERE WORKING IT OUT! COMPROMISES!

But I’m happy.

This is Day One.